I never intended to write this for there is nothing that I wish to tell you that I ain’t telling you every day. It is exactly the 366th day since I have started shattering gravely. Whomsoever said “Hard times makes you strong” weren’t right totally. That was only half the truth. The other is “Hard times make you weak”. Errr.. Weakest. Sometimes they throw to the point from which you can’t bounce back.
People who met me on this day last year saw a strong girl with the capability of building things from scratch and mend broken hearts. I looked like a stone pillar and they said “Look at her. She is no less than a man both in managing emotions and everything else. She is matured, balanced, fierce with grace and dignity”. Some looked up to me. Some drew inspiration from me. Some wished for a daughter like me. Since that day to today, no one saw my graph of deterioration. No one saw how my deepest fears took precedence over the little hope I had. I was introduced to persistent sadness, anxiety, emptiness and unknown fears of becoming lost in the pursuit of survival.
Devastation inside me didn’t happen like demolition of a building where in one ago ruining happens sans disturbing the foundation. In my case, it was akin to a natural disaster that leaves no trace of existence. I am shaken in the deepest of roots. I am being pushed into darkness inch by inch day by day. With this pace and growing disappointment in life in general, I shall fall into a major crisis if this prolongs for some more time. Keeping a straight face and showing resilience is only being done for two poor souls that still have dreams for me.
I am not exaggerating or joking when I say I sometimes crave for eternal peace. This world is making it extremely difficult to live and I don’t find enough motivation to look forward. I am experiencing something beyond grief. I don’t pray for good days anymore. I only wish for normal days. My dreams have started diminishing and the passion to fight back is dead. I don’t remember the number of times I have looked into the sky, took deep breath and asked to take three of us together into another blissful world devoid of pain. And there are countless times I was angry on you for not fighting with the death. The champ who could argue in the courtrooms couldn’t convince the keeper? Above all, the fact that you left me in this tornado to sail all by myself is merciless.
However, I am convinced that perhaps the only thing that can fix all this is a miracle that will make our lives a little better. From the deep pit I am in, I only pray for enough strength till I see a way to come out. Strength to endure the days before I see monsoon in my life. I only urge you to send me positive vibes till I find someone who can lend their shoulder for me to lean on, lead me to the light and hold my hand firm. Till then, I promise to not give up. Even if it is occasional, come into my dreams, guide me to overcome situations, light up days or just show your smile.